It’s a topic I’ve pondered a lot in my life: singleness vs. marriage.  I’ve been single, well, awhile.  I have lots of single friends to talk about this with.  I’ve had lots of friends who have journeyed through being single into being married.

Being such a large life issue, it’s something that tends to be revisited often, re-worked, re-thought as new life situations happen in and around me and those that I know.  I’ve listened to sermons, taken advice, read books, and pr-ed a lot about it.  Probably it would be the same were I married: it’s a part of life that needs constant evaluation to be brought into the light of truth.  Relational areas are places where we need great grace and serious sanctification.  They are areas where we can bring much glory to G as He is seen working in us.

That being said, I believe I see growth in my life in my handling of this area.  At least, a light bulb has gradually been starting to glow that now seems to shed a lot more light than I used to have.  I want to let you in on some thoughts that I’ve had recently.  Be aware: 1) I’m a work in progress, and 2)this is long.

When I was younger, I often felt like I was tied to a pendulum while thinking about this issue, swinging from one direction to another.  I mean, you’re either going to get married or you’re not.  So, I had an intense desire to know what was going to happen to me and become settled in that thought process.  (Yes, I can be kind of control freaky.)  Most of the time, I’d be securely convinced that, of course, I would be married in the future.  So, I’d plan on it, be looking for “the one”, be constantly trying to improve myself to be more appealing should “the one” come along, putting myself “out there” through dating websites or by letting friends set me up with nice, single men that they knew.  Then, in my discouragement that “the one” hadn’t appeared, that yet another relationship had fizzled, that I was tired of waiting, I’d swing on the pendulum over to the side where I’d focus on the idea that His plan for me was singleness.  I’d work very hard not to care about being married.  I’d throw my energy into other things.  I’d try, beating my head against the wall, to reconcile this permanent singleness with my inner desire for a husband and family that never seemed to go away, no matter how much I begged.

As I grew older, and supposedly more mature, I began to think that my view of singleness and marriage or my response to my singleness was less a swing back and forth on a pendulum and more a balance on a tight rope.  Instead of going to extremes in my thinking, I tried to keep my mind and thoughts focused on Him and what He wanted for me.  But as I tried to find contentment, there was always this emotional balancing act going on.  It wasn’t violent swings, but there was a constant tension about handling my future and the thoughts of it.

“How do I pr with confidence?” I would think.  ”Should I ask for a husband and a family?  What if that’s not His will?”  Setting aside all thought of ever getting married, though, seemed to close off possible options and lead to discouragement.   To be honest, for several years I’ve given up pr-ing about this issue really.  I’d fallen into kind of a negative, almost fatalism about it: whatever He wants will happen and I will just deal with it.  I was outwardly content,  but there was a less dramatic wobbling from side to side, a preoccupation that often caused me to lose my balance.

This past year, I believe that He has been really shaping my view of this life issue in a new way.  He’s been putting together little puzzle pieces in my brain until now I’m starting to see enough of a picture to recognize some things.  These are things that I’ve read or seen in other’s lives but have been unable to really grasp for myself.

My conclusion is that I need a miracle.  A miracle is something that only G can do and that’s what I want more than anything in my life.  Let me explain.

I’ve realized that I can do everything possible to make myself tmore attractive to a godly man, and it will never be enough.  I could be thinner, and prettier, and more submissive, and talk less, and it’s not really the issue.  I could do everything possible to choose the right kind of guy.  I can make a list of qualities I am looking for and be very selective.  Alternatively, I can let go of silly ideas that rule out perfectly nice men and focus on true priorities.  None of these things matter.  They won’t get me what I want.  Because what I want isn’t just to be married, it’s to see Him glorified.  I want the whole process to be His work.  So that means, while I should be seeking to be more like Him every day, I’m not supposed to be out searching for the right man– it’s just not His way of doing things.  And even if the perfect man for me, according to lists or my own ideas, were to come along, only G could do what I want– which is to give that man a love for me, a desire to share his life with me, a passion for seeing me grow and growing with me for His glory.  It would be a miracle.

So, I’ve cancelled my dating website subscriptions, although I do think that those things can be used of G in the lives of others.  It’s not for me right now.  I’ve stopped looking for Mr. Right.  I am just fervently, daily asking that if it will bring Him glory, that He would bring a man to me who wants me: a man that I can love because I see Chr in him.

But, there’s more.  Once I got the concept that I needed a miracle, I got greedy.  I’m also asking for another miracle.  You see, I don’t know His plan for my life.  Perhaps, even though I desire to be married and have a family, perhaps He wants me to be single.  This great Perhaps has always caused me to stumble.  But now I know I need a miracle.  I absolutely cannot work up contentment with being single.  Just as surely as I know that I can never, ever be the right kind of woman to cause the right kind of man to love me, I know that I can never, ever let go of this desire for having a husband and family.  It’s hardwired into me.  I’d have to be someone else not to want it.  But the overwhelming desire that I have, thanks to His amazing mercy, is for His glory.  So every day, I’m going to be asking for a miracle.  ”If I am to be single, then I want it to be very obvious that although I have never lost the desire to be married, You have been more than enough for me.  I want it to bring You so much glory when others see my joy and my contentment, the kind that obviously only You can give.  I want them to know that having You is better than having what I think I want.”

Yep, I know.  I’m asking for two seemingly opposite miracles.  But it’s just what I have to do.  I can no longer balance on a tightrope, trying to maneuver myself into being married on one hand and trying to be content with singleness on the other hand.  I’ve decided that I should just jump off.  Into what, I have no idea.  But the G who can understand how both free will and predestination work together, the G who made time, the G who knows all the ins and outs of evil and good, who truly does love me and chose me… I can throw myself down before Him every day and ask for a miracle.  He knows which miracle will bring Him the most glory and that’s the one that I want, too.  I just know I can no longer try to handle this area of my life my way, and I am finally finding immense peace in letting Him choose, in letting Him work, in focusing on obedience.  And I am incredibly confident as I pr for my miracle, whichever it will be, because I know He will be glorified and I will be answered.